Somebody that I used to know…

So I have been here in Spain for about 1.5 months now. And of course, I still feel like a stranger to the city in the sense that I’m aware that I am a foreigner (*smirk*) and I am also aware that the locals are aware that I am a foreigner as well. They do not make me feel uncomfortable or anything (too often). You can just tell when they look at me that I appear to be something “new”…something different.

But what is surprising to me are the feelings I am feeling about myself. I too am feeling something new and different growing inside of me. I am feeling stronger. More confident. More aware. I am caring less about how others will perceive me and if I will fit in. Not that I am not trying to be a part. I am just doing what everyone else here is doing… Trying to survive so that one day they might just have the chance to just live, happily and peacefully.

We are all human and we all have worries. But there is a point where you start to realize what’s really important. It is about 345AM in the morning here in Spain. And you want to know what’s on my mind. Not what’s happening back home. Not if I am making a good impression in my new home. But focusing on fulfilling the goals I have set for myself. And those goals consist of experiencing the culture here in Spain and gaining insight into how the people of Spain live and feel. Putting my all into setting up opportunities for myself to be able to implement research tactics and understand the affects of prostitution and human trafficking on the community. Working hard to do all that I can to better myself (my mind, body and spirit) so I am equipped with the stamina/endurance, knowledge and resources needed to help save our children and deter them from being exposed to a life of victimization.

This feeling inside of me. I wish I could put it into words. This belief that God has instilled in me these powerful thoughts and ideas that I am capable of doing something worthwhile that could positively impact our youth on a global level… it is sometimes mind-blowing.

One thing that I can admit about myself is that I was never good with people on a consistent level. At one moment I could be popular and “on”. The next minute (period of time) if I was going thru something, my feelings could pour into my relationships, tarnishing and even ending them. Fortunately, I believe everyone who is supposed to be in my life at the moment is there for a reason. And I thank God everyday for them because they are my motivation to continue to push myself to do and be better.

I was recently speaking to my mother and at some point in the conversation I told her “I need to win people”. And initially she perceived that as I need for people to accept me, like I needed their attention and approval in order to validate myself. But I had to further explain. We were not bred to be alone. God created us to congregated in multiples. Just from the story of Noah’s Ark… none of the family members or animals who entered that vessel entered it alone.

We need the love and support of each other to survive. To truly be alive inside. Not to validate one another. But to spiritually empower one another. To reiterate the vision that God planned for us as a people. I realize that I have chosen to embark on a scary journey that will not be an easy task. And I am also aware that the fight I am trying to fight cannot be fought alone. I am only one person. And I need and want the support of others, who might be able to share in the mission and vision of my heart and the hearts of so many others around the world.

Over the past several years, especially as I have chosen to shed the “drama” and negativity from my life, I have been unforgiving in the sense that if I felt a relationship of mine was one-sided or I was feeling a sense of drama/cruelty/negativity from the other party, I had no problems removing them from my circle. And now, when I look myself in the mirror. I see love and forgiveness and compassion and passion for others. And I feel this overwhelming desire to touch others and be touched by others. When I look in the mirror…I feel it is somebody that I used to know.

I will always be me I believe. I am who I am and there are parts of my personality that will never change. But everyday, I am growing and evolving and gaining a better understanding and compassion for others. I am more forgiving than I have ever been in my life. I discretely tear up (meaning…you wouldn’t see me tear up but I can feel the pressure slightly swell in the back of my eyes) when I see the pain in a woman’s eyes because she has been heartbroken by the man she loves. Just little stuff like that. So imagine how I feel when I see a homeless child starving or being abused. When I look in the mirror. I see a woman. A sensitive, but strong-willed and determined woman who is preparing for battle.

The war against hatred, and starvation, and prostitution, and human trafficking, and all the other negativities in this world is a war that can’t be fought alone. And for the 1st time in a very long time…I am able to say “I need people”. Not for the sake of making myself feel better. But for the sake of working together and doing something positive for our hurting and dying world.

I know these blogs that I write might seem kind of extra’d out. But this is what I feel. I just feel so much love in me and so much sadness for others that I just do not know what do sometimes. And my only way of expressing these emotions that bring tears to my eyes are through writing.

I feel a self-obligation to make a difference. I do not know how much longer I have in this world or how long my body will allow for me to keep moving this fast. I do not know how much longer our world can survive all of this madness and turmoil. So time to me is just ticking away. And I feel that girl I used to know… she is someone who has led me to becoming this woman full of faith and hope that we can do it TOGETHER.

So I will end this by saying to my old self and all of the people who are no longer in my life: Now and then I think of when we were together. Told myself that you were right for me. But felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember. But you didn’t have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing… Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

You’re somebody that I used to know. But my subconscious will never forget you. It is you that reminds me of forgiveness, maturity and progress. Thank you. With Love, Nicola

You Never Know…

My experiences today in Spain have inspired me to write a little poem. I am not a poet so it probably won’t be any good. It might even be a little abrasive or exhibit some unexpected turns. I have just been inspired by people…both cruel and kind. But please bear with me…

You never know how you can affect someone. With a sincere smile or kind gesture. Your actions could (un)intentionally heal the world.

You never know what you are capable of. With a burst of courage and a leap of (misdirected) faith. Your inner desires or most secreted fears could spring you into a world of unlimited heights filled with failure or success.

You never know what the future holds. With ample possibilities and a world that seems to keep on going… limitless and never-ending. Your little box of comfort could be your shackled demise or the inspiration needed to break free and experience something new.

You never know what someone else is going thru. With so many perishing right before our eyes and with (what it seems as though) the walls tumbling all around us. Your lack of consideration or keen perception could drastically change the life of another.

You never know…

The day you decided to belittle another for the sake of bringing yourself happiness or possibly because you were too foolish to understand your ‘powers (of persuasion)’ over others. Not considering that your actions caused a trickle effect leading that other to plunge head first off of a freeway bridge into oncoming traffic. (I know…the unexpected turn – a little dark)

For many years I walked through life like an ignorant, blind little child. Living carelessly with no anticipation for tomorrow or worries of what consequences my choices would bring. Over the past couple of years (before I decided to officially make a change), as I have looked back, I try to comprehend who that person was and why did she allow for things to take such a crazy and unexpected turn.

I can only hope that my shortcomings have not hindered my chances of receiving forgiveness from others. Because while I have forgiven myself and know that something wonderfully beautiful is in store for me (and hopefully for those I yearn to touch)… I will never truly know how my actions, both good and bad, have affected all the people I have crossed paths with.

This little “poem” or whatever you’d call it can be open for interpretation. It is not meant to put you on a guilt trip. It is not meant to make you feel that you do not deserve forgiveness. It is not meant to put a weight on your shoulders leading you to feel regret for what you have or have not done in this world thus far. It is just a message for all of us that we are all that we have. And we were all created for a reason. Most importantly, to join together, help our “brother”, and love one another.

This world is a dark and lonely place filled with death, pain, sadness, envy, jealousy, vengeance, and much more. And it is unfortunate that so many of us go thru life, just trying to get by, and never stop to think about the person we do not know that passes us everyday in the morning on the way to work with a sadness in their eyes. Or the person we think has it all together.

We are all filled with so many beautiful gifts that are just waiting to be shared with the world. And it is up to us to remember that, and never forget to do that one simple thing that could change the life of another in a positive way. Whether it be saying “hello” with a smile or opening the door for the person walking behind you. Whether it be waking up one morning and realizing that the life you have been leading is not allowing for you to share the love inside. Because I promise you, it is there. Possibly faint from all of the bumps and bruises you have incurred. But we are all capable of love.

There is something in me that I cannot describe. This deep compassion for others. A sadness (for the young boy who sits alone at home, wondering if his parents even love him. Not understanding that just maybe they have forgotten how to love).

I am not perfect. I have much to learn and lots of work to do. And I know that while I will never obtain perfection. I will do all that I can to share this love inside of me with those who are willing to receive it. How about you?

Sometimes there is just so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it. And my heart is just going to cave in. LOVE IS TRANSCENDING!!! LOVE IS FORGIVENESS!!! LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE ANOTHER!!!

God Bless. With Love, Nicola

I’m Leaving You, Goodbye.

If you loved me, you’d say “congratulations” when I obtained success, rather than point out my areas of improvement or focus on your shortcomings and/or accomplishments. If you cared for me, you’d put your own selfish needs aside just for one moment. If you had any ounce of integrity, you’d shame the need to kick me when I’m already down. If you weren’t so insecure, you’d be able to see the real me, rather than blame me for something you think you see.

I thought you loved me. I thought you were my friend. My confidant. My support. It wasn’t that you acted in a way contrary to what you promised or what I thought a friend should be. The disappointment was bred by the fact that you’d intentionally put me in harms way because of your own insecurities. There are parts of me that has thoughts of seeking revenge and smirking at the notion that Karma has finally found its rightful place with you. But that is not who I want to be anymore, and the other parts of me just feels sympathy for you. You do not know who you are. There is no place for kindness or hope in your heart, and unfortunately, you will always be hindered from obtaining prosperity due to the cruelness that has cultivated in you.

I truly feel sorry for you because it will be your loss. Ruining the opportunity to have someone in your life who supports and uplifts you during your weakest hour. Choosing the feeling of immediate self-satisfaction and gratification versus the security of an unconditional, long-lasting friendship and love. It kills me more than you will ever know or understand to have to say “Goodbye”. But I can no longer allow for you to be a toxin in my life.

We are all only human. Living each day in hopes that we will be seen…wanted. We are all prone to making mistakes. It is a part of life and our opportunity to experience self-growth. Because of this, I can only say that “I forgive you”. And I hope that one day you seek a purpose that is beyond your flesh. Instead of me acting as you have, I am just going to express the melody that’s in my heart…

If you would only treat me right, I’d stay here by your side.
But I am down to my last cry, So I’m leaving you, goodbye.

You turned away from opportunities, to sit and talk things through.
But now when I say I’m leaving you, you have so much to prove.

So long to all my pain. Goodnight to my heartache.
Goodbye sorrow, I won’t cry no more. I’m leaving tomorrow.

I made the choice to finally go, cause I can’t stand this pain.
It’s time for my last tear to fall, and me to smile again.

So long to all my pain. Good night to my heartache.
Goodbye sorrow, I won’t cry no more. I’m leaving tomorrow.

Sorrows and heartache. Goodbye, I’m leaving you.
Don’t wanna meet again. Has got to be the end, the end.

The sun will finally shine on me, and clouds will drift away.
There’s something that’s in store for me, that’s my brighter day.

So long to all my pain. Good night to my heartache.
Goodbye sorrow, I won’t cry no more. I’m leaving tomorrow.

To say “Goodbye” to a loved one. Whether it be a family member or a close friend. It can resemble the heartache of losing your first true love. This post can be open for interpretation. I hope it touches your heart and allows for you to heal from the loss of someone who you at one point or another considered to be inevitable or irreplaceable in your life. Sometimes you have to let go of the things you love in order to find yourself and become the person that you were created to be. Sometimes you have to endure an excruciating heartache in order to find the strength that was always deep within that you never knew existed. There’s something that’s in store for you…that’s a brighter day. Love yourself 1st. Be blessed. With Love, Nicola

Karmic Incentives & Consequences: Is it YOU or FATE?!


  • (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
  • informal
 destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

Have you ever wondered if your thoughts or actions bring about any karmic incentives or consequences? I believe it depends on you and your perception on life. Are you someone who believes everything is based on fate, or the development of events beyond a person’s control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power? Basically, if you believe in fate, you agree that things are destined to happen or turn out in a particular way, no matter what actions you or someone else makes. And on the other hand, you might be someone who believes that your fate, or karma, is directly determined by your thoughts or actions. For example, if you steal something from a store, something special might be stolen from your possession.

As I have been working on the next phase of my life and making the decision to implement a change of pace and place, I have been considering my own personal karmic incentives and consequences. I have been struggling with my thoughts to determine whether or not I believe that the experiences that I am experiencing are directly based on my thoughts and actions, or if they are indirectly based on the fact that my fate has already been predetermined and I am simply just living the journey that I have been destined to live.

First, I used rationale. The reality is that there is good and bad in everyone… Even the kindest person can find himself or herself feeling anger, guilt or regret. Even the kindest person has a breaking point where they can no longer handle their own experiences or the not-so-kind people that they might be subjected to dealing with on a daily basis. And even if this kind person doesn’t act on their initial feelings like many others do, their thoughts are inevitable. So does this kind person not deserve any bad Karma because they did not act on their feelings or wish any “bad” on someone else? If that is the case, why do so many bad things happen to so many “good people”?

And visa versa… even the cruelest person could have their moment of sincerity, kindness, and compassion? They might give a homeless person on the street the change they received from their early morning coffee purchase on the way to their successful, corporate job. Some might say they were being vain and that coffee change didn’t mean anything to them, so they weren’t really being sincere, kind or compassionate; they (the ‘cruel person’) just didn’t prefer to have loose change moving around in their corporate suit. If this is the case, why does it seem as though many ”bad people” get away with so much?

It was important for me to consider why it is that those who appear to be good and kind (and they really may be that) seem to get a pass in their “weak” moments. And why does the ‘greedy’ corporate man seem to always be judged and expected to be nothing but insincere when they are doing something kind. Whether or not they didn’t want to keep that change in their pockets, there are some people who bypass the homeless (some who really want to eat and not buy alcohol or drugs), thinking, “if they didn’t want to be homeless they’d work harder”. So the bypasser doesn’t think that homeless person deserves their loose change. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, there are many homeless individuals out there who do really want the money for drugs/alcohol, but that’s not really the point, is it? It’s the thought behind the mind of the giver.

If I am a person who does not have much integrity or tends to make unethical decisions on a consistent basis, yes, I may be deemed immoral and others may feel that I deserve to reap karmic consequences because of how I have treated others. But the reality is that many people who do “bad things” tend to get away with a lot, or more than one would think they should.

It was important for me to consider this because it helped me to come to the conclusion that considering that we are all capable of good and bad, none of us is better than the other or deserves to pay for our actions for the ‘rest of our lives’ (this does not include consequences such as contracting HIV/AIDS because a person chose to intentionally play with people’s hearts and sleep with as many partners as possible without using protection OR the person who decided to take up a profession of robbing and after being shot by the store owner they were left paralyzed) based on the ridicule of others, especially if we are making a mends and trying to be better. We all deserve to suffer the consequences to our actions, then we also deserve the opportunity to forgive ourselves, be forgiven by others, and move on with our lives as we attempt to make more moralistic decisions. But another reality is that, our world is just not like that. Our world is cruel, unforgiving, tough, rough, and sometimes too much for many of us to bear (i.e. resorting to drugs, alcohol, traumatically or fatally hurting others or ourselves).

This conclusion then brought me to believe that our karma isn’t really based on our actions. For example, imagine the little boy in your 3rd grade class who was bullied because he was scrawny and awkward, and his parents couldn’t or wouldn’t help him. He was bullied all the way through high school, until he grew some and his handsome features appeared. The life of this boy could have gone several ways. He could have considered using drugs/alcohol to numb his pain, or even killing himself. Or the bad karma that others put out could’ve in turn resulted in good karma for him and he could’ve turned into an all-star athlete. How is karma determined? What if the boy decided to go down the negative route and started using drugs, and thus, he began stealing from his parents and hurting others physically/emotionally in the process. Maybe even became a felon himself.

Yes, society would blame this boy for his own actions. His family would be disappointed in him and possibly disown him. Is this what this boy deserved? He was just a boy. He was lost. He was not given proper guidance. He was neglected and abused himself and just put out what he was given. Yes, we all have the will to make our own choices. Sometimes we may or may not be aware of what the best choice is and if we are even making a bad decision. And let’s say, after he turned bad and began to hurt others. The people that he hurt… they then began to try to seek revenge on this boy. One might say that is what the boy deserved. That was his karma for others to seek revenge on him. But what about the people who began to seek revenge? One might say they were justified in acting in this inappropriate, bad karma-like manner. But now they are just as bad as the boy or the kids who bullied him. Do they now deserve to reap bad karmic consequences? When you intentionally do something to someone (even if it is based on hurt feelings and the things done to you), is that when you deserve karmic consequences or do you get a pass during that ‘moment of weakness’?

Have you ever wondered if your thoughts or actions bring about any karmic incentives or consequences, or if the things that happen to you (good or bad) are solely based on fate and the predetermined destiny already chosen for you? I believe it depends on you and your perception on life. I believe karma consists of both our thoughts/actions and our predetermined fate. Karma is a powerful term whether or not you believe we have any control over its existence in our lives. Now, I think it is important for me to consider how karma (actions/thoughts and predetermined fate) affects the future of our physical and spiritual (i.e. where will we go when we die?)

As I told you before, I have been considering Buddhism, so in a future post I surely intend to do some further research into the term Karma and the religion of Buddhism, in order to further expand on my personal experiences and opinions. Please share your thoughts. Have you experienced any karmic incentives or consequences? Do you think those incentives and consequences were based on your thoughts/action or predetermined fate, or both? Do Tell Nicola…