So I have been in the house all weekend getting over a cold. And then today, a friend of mine insisted that they ride for 1 hour to come visit me and my city. And as much as I tried to overt their plans, they eventually won the battle. If it were up to me, I would have been in the house all day, after being in Friday and Saturday also, with no problems.
So we started at a bar and had a few drinks, trying to communicate as much as possible in Spanish. Then we visited a discoteca to listen to some live music and dance a little bit. While there were a few moments where I could’ve allowed for things to get under my skin (a veces, la gente simplemente no te entienden), they did not! Other than me not allowing for things to bother me, tonight for some reason it was pretty easy. And also, I am trying to be nice 😉 Estoy bien conmigo mismo y con los demás. #unbesitoSOLOparaestanoche
Something about this night has inspired me. I am not sure what it is. Perhaps it was because I needed to get out the house and breath in the crisp, fresh (cold) Spain air. Or perhaps it is because I have a few alcoholic beverages in my system. Maybe it is because I got to dance a little after not dancing for weeks. Or possibly it was being able to speak to my family via Skype and see the excitement on their faces because they had the opportunity to see mine.
Whatever it is. I am inspired. And so appreciative of these moments. Because they do not come as often as I’d like. And to top off my evening, I came home to mis niños pequeños. They were so excited to see me and were eager to play. It lit up my heart that I could put a smile on their faces. Even though one of them turned around muy rapido to call me “mala” when it was time for him to go to bed. It didn’t bother me one bit because I understood his frustration.
We can be inspired by so many things. Perhaps a bad breakup resulting in an excruciating heartbreak. Or losing a loved one. Or being let go from your job. But when good moments come around that breed inspiration, I think it is something to be recognized and celebrated. Because sometimes it is easier to dwell on the bad, versus celebrating the good.
My life is in no way perfect. There are many things I could find to complain about. There are many ways I could try to victimize myself and say how the world is against me. But what good would that do me? There are so many people out there who are without. Without family. Without food and shelter. Without a friend to lean on. And while my life may not be deemed “perfect” in the eyes of others, it is my version of perfection.
The fact that I am able to find inspiration from the good that is occurring in my life. That is perfection. This happiness that I feel is overwhelmingly beautiful. And I am looking forward to more moments like these.
Listen to this song by Jill Scott, “He Loves Me“. While the love of a man did not inspire me today. I hope you can find a way to mirror these lyrics with whatever is inspiring you, just as I did…
This is for you. Can you hear the music in me? You insight me to co-write. With love, Nico
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So I have been here in Spain for about 1.5 months now. And of course, I still feel like a stranger to the city in the sense that I’m aware that I am a foreigner (*smirk*) and I am also aware that the locals are aware that I am a foreigner as well. They do not make me feel uncomfortable or anything (too often). You can just tell when they look at me that I appear to be something “new”…something different.
But what is surprising to me are the feelings I am feeling about myself. I too am feeling something new and different growing inside of me. I am feeling stronger. More confident. More aware. I am caring less about how others will perceive me and if I will fit in. Not that I am not trying to be a part. I am just doing what everyone else here is doing… Trying to survive so that one day they might just have the chance to just live, happily and peacefully.
We are all human and we all have worries. But there is a point where you start to realize what’s really important. It is about 345AM in the morning here in Spain. And you want to know what’s on my mind. Not what’s happening back home. Not if I am making a good impression in my new home. But focusing on fulfilling the goals I have set for myself. And those goals consist of experiencing the culture here in Spain and gaining insight into how the people of Spain live and feel. Putting my all into setting up opportunities for myself to be able to implement research tactics and understand the affects of prostitution and human trafficking on the community. Working hard to do all that I can to better myself (my mind, body and spirit) so I am equipped with the stamina/endurance, knowledge and resources needed to help save our children and deter them from being exposed to a life of victimization.
This feeling inside of me. I wish I could put it into words. This belief that God has instilled in me these powerful thoughts and ideas that I am capable of doing something worthwhile that could positively impact our youth on a global level… it is sometimes mind-blowing.
One thing that I can admit about myself is that I was never good with people on a consistent level. At one moment I could be popular and “on”. The next minute (period of time) if I was going thru something, my feelings could pour into my relationships, tarnishing and even ending them. Fortunately, I believe everyone who is supposed to be in my life at the moment is there for a reason. And I thank God everyday for them because they are my motivation to continue to push myself to do and be better.
I was recently speaking to my mother and at some point in the conversation I told her “I need to win people”. And initially she perceived that as I need for people to accept me, like I needed their attention and approval in order to validate myself. But I had to further explain. We were not bred to be alone. God created us to congregated in multiples. Just from the story of Noah’s Ark… none of the family members or animals who entered that vessel entered it alone.
We need the love and support of each other to survive. To truly be alive inside. Not to validate one another. But to spiritually empower one another. To reiterate the vision that God planned for us as a people. I realize that I have chosen to embark on a scary journey that will not be an easy task. And I am also aware that the fight I am trying to fight cannot be fought alone. I am only one person. And I need and want the support of others, who might be able to share in the mission and vision of my heart and the hearts of so many others around the world.
Over the past several years, especially as I have chosen to shed the “drama” and negativity from my life, I have been unforgiving in the sense that if I felt a relationship of mine was one-sided or I was feeling a sense of drama/cruelty/negativity from the other party, I had no problems removing them from my circle. And now, when I look myself in the mirror. I see love and forgiveness and compassion and passion for others. And I feel this overwhelming desire to touch others and be touched by others. When I look in the mirror…I feel it is somebody that I used to know.
I will always be me I believe. I am who I am and there are parts of my personality that will never change. But everyday, I am growing and evolving and gaining a better understanding and compassion for others. I am more forgiving than I have ever been in my life. I discretely tear up (meaning…you wouldn’t see me tear up but I can feel the pressure slightly swell in the back of my eyes) when I see the pain in a woman’s eyes because she has been heartbroken by the man she loves. Just little stuff like that. So imagine how I feel when I see a homeless child starving or being abused. When I look in the mirror. I see a woman. A sensitive, but strong-willed and determined woman who is preparing for battle.
The war against hatred, and starvation, and prostitution, and human trafficking, and all the other negativities in this world is a war that can’t be fought alone. And for the 1st time in a very long time…I am able to say “I need people”. Not for the sake of making myself feel better. But for the sake of working together and doing something positive for our hurting and dying world.
I know these blogs that I write might seem kind of extra’d out. But this is what I feel. I just feel so much love in me and so much sadness for others that I just do not know what do sometimes. And my only way of expressing these emotions that bring tears to my eyes are through writing.
I feel a self-obligation to make a difference. I do not know how much longer I have in this world or how long my body will allow for me to keep moving this fast. I do not know how much longer our world can survive all of this madness and turmoil. So time to me is just ticking away. And I feel that girl I used to know… she is someone who has led me to becoming this woman full of faith and hope that we can do it TOGETHER.
So I will end this by saying to my old self and all of the people who are no longer in my life: Now and then I think of when we were together. Told myself that you were right for me. But felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember. But you didn’t have to cut me off. Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing… Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
You’re somebody that I used to know. But my subconscious will never forget you. It is you that reminds me of forgiveness, maturity and progress. Thank you. With Love, Nicola
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My experiences today in Spain have inspired me to write a little poem. I am not a poet so it probably won’t be any good. It might even be a little abrasive or exhibit some unexpected turns. I have just been inspired by people…both cruel and kind. But please bear with me…
You never know how you can affect someone. With a sincere smile or kind gesture. Your actions could (un)intentionally heal the world.
You never know what you are capable of. With a burst of courage and a leap of (misdirected) faith. Your inner desires or most secreted fears could spring you into a world of unlimited heights filled with failure or success.
You never know what the future holds. With ample possibilities and a world that seems to keep on going… limitless and never-ending. Your little box of comfort could be your shackled demise or the inspiration needed to break free and experience something new.
You never know what someone else is going thru. With so many perishing right before our eyes and with (what it seems as though) the walls tumbling all around us. Your lack of consideration or keen perception could drastically change the life of another.
You never know…
The day you decided to belittle another for the sake of bringing yourself happiness or possibly because you were too foolish to understand your ‘powers (of persuasion)’ over others. Not considering that your actions caused a trickle effect leading that other to plunge head first off of a freeway bridge into oncoming traffic. (I know…the unexpected turn – a little dark)
For many years I walked through life like an ignorant, blind little child. Living carelessly with no anticipation for tomorrow or worries of what consequences my choices would bring. Over the past couple of years (before I decided to officially make a change), as I have looked back, I try to comprehend who that person was and why did she allow for things to take such a crazy and unexpected turn.
I can only hope that my shortcomings have not hindered my chances of receiving forgiveness from others. Because while I have forgiven myself and know that something wonderfully beautiful is in store for me (and hopefully for those I yearn to touch)… I will never truly know how my actions, both good and bad, have affected all the people I have crossed paths with.
This little “poem” or whatever you’d call it can be open for interpretation. It is not meant to put you on a guilt trip. It is not meant to make you feel that you do not deserve forgiveness. It is not meant to put a weight on your shoulders leading you to feel regret for what you have or have not done in this world thus far. It is just a message for all of us that we are all that we have. And we were all created for a reason. Most importantly, to join together, help our “brother”, and love one another.
This world is a dark and lonely place filled with death, pain, sadness, envy, jealousy, vengeance, and much more. And it is unfortunate that so many of us go thru life, just trying to get by, and never stop to think about the person we do not know that passes us everyday in the morning on the way to work with a sadness in their eyes. Or the person we think has it all together.
We are all filled with so many beautiful gifts that are just waiting to be shared with the world. And it is up to us to remember that, and never forget to do that one simple thing that could change the life of another in a positive way. Whether it be saying “hello” with a smile or opening the door for the person walking behind you. Whether it be waking up one morning and realizing that the life you have been leading is not allowing for you to share the love inside. Because I promise you, it is there. Possibly faint from all of the bumps and bruises you have incurred. But we are all capable of love.
There is something in me that I cannot describe. This deep compassion for others. A sadness (for the young boy who sits alone at home, wondering if his parents even love him. Not understanding that just maybe they have forgotten how to love).
I am not perfect. I have much to learn and lots of work to do. And I know that while I will never obtain perfection. I will do all that I can to share this love inside of me with those who are willing to receive it. How about you?
Sometimes there is just so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it. And my heart is just going to cave in. LOVE IS TRANSCENDING!!! LOVE IS FORGIVENESS!!! LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE ANOTHER!!!
God Bless. With Love, Nicola
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This feeling in me. Pleasantly placing a pressure on the inner walls of my heart. Filling me with an indescribable sense of courage and hope.
This love in me. Embodying the serenity and happiness that has consumed my thoughts and spirit.
This joy in me. Forcing my lips to pucker and my mouth to expose the excitement that my cheeks are unable to conceal.
This peace in me. Causing a euphoric sense of tranquility to pulsate throughout my body, from my eternal soul to ends of my toes and fingertips.
As I patiently wait for a moment of clarity, allowing me to fully understand and enjoy the feelings inside of me. As I remain faithful to the idea that the kindness and goodness seaming from my pores into the lives of others will bring about a sweet departure where I may go gently into the night and be reunited with my Father and loved ones. As I maintain all self-control while I yearn for the moment where this life will be enough for me to sustain security and contentment. I will nurture the fruit of the Spirit and remain loyal to the anticipation of transcendence and the undying optimism that has been a part of me since my waking moment.
We were all born with the fruit of the Spirit embedded in our core. It is up to us to determine how we will allow for these gifts to be shared with the world until our moment comes where we are so fortunate to return home.
Inspired by my journey. Looking forward to getting to know you Espana. Con amor, Nicola
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